i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
You Might Also Like
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.