What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
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“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.