The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
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I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”