You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
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I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.