6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
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my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Netflix and awkward silence?
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Bloody internet 😳
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.