“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
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I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.