Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
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Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
it was love at first sight
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
New tinder profile pic
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu