VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
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My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
i- i did not expect this