I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
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The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
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Happy thanksgiving
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
me, after any kind of buffet.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted