One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
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I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice