Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
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Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.