[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
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kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
car not found
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive