Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
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Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.