I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
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[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”