the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
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I only treason on days ending in y
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.