I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
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Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.