Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
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A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
(2022)