Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
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Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
the last thing a carrot sees
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.