Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
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My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.