parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
You Might Also Like
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash