To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
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Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Battery falling down a hole
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
can’t catch a break
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.