Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
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oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Traveler’s camo
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious