My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
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Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength