I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
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*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
I am having an out of money experience.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism