*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
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From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125