Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
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Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
They’re the worst 😩
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy