COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
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[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.