Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
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Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?