* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
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The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Guilty! 🤪
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Pizza is an emotion right?
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo