There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
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Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah