Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
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If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself