angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
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My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
why no one uses midhusbands
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”