I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
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tourist season
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*