being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
You Might Also Like
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Do one person every day that scares you.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.