“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
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My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*