[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
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The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
The Birdles
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go