“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
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4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?