[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
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A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Now this is how you LinkedIn
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*