My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
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If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger