I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
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him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets