Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
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Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?