No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
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8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
me irl
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed