McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
You Might Also Like
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Did a trash talking tree write this?
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier