Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
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[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on