If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
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♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
I have obtained a hat
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.