When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
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If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you