I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
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“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Breaking news:
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.