*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
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*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
#Caturday
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.