Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
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One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Alexa; make it look like an accident
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Seems kinda suspicious
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.