age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
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HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper